STOP! Don’t read any news until you know these 10 things!

Researchers have discovered the best way to get your daily news fix and it’s not how you think!

Okay, that’s actually bullshit, but you’ve got to admit the headline and strapline are pretty enticing, right? Now I’ve lured you here under false pretenses, you should stay for the rant about clickbat news, as illustrated by the non-news images above. None of it matters because it’s not news.

They’re designed to draw your attention and make you click to a new page. Why? Money, advertising, search engine rankings. The more clicks, the more a site is indexed by bots. More visitors means the potential for more people to click on advertising and buy something they probably don’t need or care about.

Just to be clear, I have an intense hatred for clickbait news.

I have the Upday news app on my S7. Regardless of what news “interests” I select it never fails to deliver banal clickbait junk.

Here’s a sample of the junk that’s touted as “news”.

My God, it’s full of shite.

The fact this garbage exists royally pisses me off, but the reason why it’s there at all totally grates my balls.

Our culture is to blame. That means us. You and I, dear blog reader, are to blame for this mess.

As a species we think it’s normal to celebrate vacuous talentless morons (the famous for being famous crowd) instead of people who teach the rest of us how to raise their game by improving humanity and our planet.

Take a look at this.

These people are from a scripted reality TV show called TOWIE – The Only Way Is Essex.

Don’t they look happy?

Well, maybe Pink Dress, but that’s only because she’s aiming her growler at the moody man figure in the hope she’ll get some.

TOWIE is TV for morons. These people are not movie stars, sports heros, scientists, artists, writers or hard-working nurses. They have been made famous by an audience of morons who crave a glimmer of glammour to lift them from their dull lives, even if it comes from Essex.

Role Models!!

Our children see reality TV muppets as role models! They aspire to be like them. I know because I see that shit everywhere.

Boys want to get hench/swole/tonk, so they can display their collection of tatts that have profound meaning, but were actually found on Pinterest. They wear subtly obvious chav labels and are compelled to post every facet of their lives on FB to validate their own existence. They are driven to Tweet about subjects they know dick all about. And of course they love hanging with the lads, doing lad stuff, being all laddy and laddish, having the bants with the shits an giggs.

Girls are programmed to crave fakery – big bouncy boobs shoved up high and exposed whenever possible (but you’re not allowed to look at all the flesh on display), fake tan, big lips injected with stuff, anal bleaching, Brazilian or Hollywood (because men love to fuck a women who looks like a child) acting stupid and innocent yet a sultry slut at the same time, loving drama, and believing that being an Instababe with a gazallian followers who are just so jel of their perfect life is the ultimate achievement.

Sure, that’s a wild generalisation, but I don’t see any popular science celebs, do you?

Well, perhaps Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Anyway, the media world is obsessed with this shite!

We gobble down these shows like battery chickens being fed junk through a tube. What better way to feel happy than to watch other “normal” people doing stuff?

The hook is “that could be me – I could do that – I’m kooky and fun and wacky like them.”

No. You’re not. That shit be on a slant. It’s all staged. Even when the producers insist it’s all real and unplanned, raw and nothing but normal people and a TV crew. Bull. Shit.

Moving on. Take a look at this fella.

I bet you have no idea who he is, right? I didn’t either until about 10 minutes ago.

His name is Mohamed Yussuf Dahir. He’s a medical nurse and stationed in Dadaab refugee camp, north-east Kenya.

I Googled “humanitarian” and found Mohamed who seems like a nice guy. He works hard, loves his job, loves helping people and bringing hope to their lives.

Read the article yourself

Why aren’t we celebrating people like Mohamed? When will the media veer away from the meaningless to the meaningful?

I just don’t get why we’re so obsessed with fake celebrity bullshit.

Clickbait is everywhere.

Giving some credit to clickbait – there’s a chance that when someone follows clickbait, their path may lead them to a worthwhile place and their thoughts/actions/emotions could have a positive impact on others.

There’s also a chance you have no idea what I’m talking about, and your experience of the internets means you’ve either never noticed the hook floating on the screen, or you’ve got clickbait blindness.

In order to educate you on what clickbait looks like, take a look at some obvious examples. Note the text and the image work together to lure you in.

The “…what happens next…” line is a sure-fire way to hold a moron’s attention.

As you’ll see, people click this stuff because of FOMO – Fear Of Missing Out. They don’t want to be the only twat in the conversation about nothing who has nothing to contribute.

Do you really care about this guy’s hair? REALLY? Does he look 40 to you? And do you honestly care why/how someone you don’t know is angry about it?

The “…89% of women….blah blah blah…something about sex…” is a winner when it comes to grabbing your junks attention.

The percentage doesn’t matter, and is likely made up anyway. What’s important is “THIS” and “sex” and “more” because it panders to both men and women.

Guys go: “OMG! Am I not satisfying my lady just over half the time?”

Women go: “My fuckmonkey is kinda dull half the time, how else can I get myself off?”

Do yourselves a favour – stop reading shit online and go talk to each other.

The “…your WW3 starts right here….” will certainly make your imagination run wild for 13 seconds.

According to the image, WWIII will be started by a skinny Asian chick trying to take off her pants.

There’s even a tantalising “watch here” for you to click on, because you’re too lazy to type “Porn Hub” into Google. Or even click the saved link on your favourites.

The “…15 things/people/places you won’t believe actually exist…” hook is enough to make you question your own reality.

You have a choice – either accept someone has used Photoshop to get your attention with bullshit, or the things you’re about to see are real, but you didn’t know about them 30 seconds ago, which is no big deal.

First option – click it! You’re a twat and deserve to have your time wasted.

Second option – don’t bother. Good for you. The world is a strange and beautiful place and, unless you’re a god who created this zone, you will no doubt continue to find new things to gawp at.

The “…hilarious Tweets from stupid people…” headline should give a sense of smug superiority to anyone a smidgeon above moron status.

We’re not all equally blessed with the same level of general knowledge and general intelligence. Big deal. Like we’re all so perfect, right?

Also, like no one has ever said or written anything odd or wrong or stupid. And this is the first time in history it’s happened, right? So let’s all have a fucking good laugh.

The “…you’re not successful because…blah blah blah…but you can be…” motivator can make you rich, beautiful and have 24 hours orgasms with 8 women/men/dolls at a time.

You might remember one or two of these things. MIGHT. But the fact is you’re not built the same way as a successful person (whatever that means) which is why you don’t currently do all 10 of these things.

Also, you may be successful in many ways this feature isn’t talking about. So, don’t waste your time comparing yourself to some random list created just to act as clickbait.

The “…when she/he/they/it does the THING you won’t believe your eyes…” line is aimed right at the FOMO fan club.

The singing shows TV producers ram down our throats have a variety of talets and personas. So some young girl has a mature sounding voice. So what? That’s hardly a reason for an uppercase OMG!

The X Factor is designed to bring out your feelgoods and bouts of unfounded bitter resentment. Audiences love cheesy music montages, teary eyed sob stories and even contestants who are pissed at the world for no reason.

The “…with THIS simple trick you can…” and then you’ll be king of the world according to the clickbait article giving their advice away to everyone, for free.

And we all want to look young, right? Just like the airbrushed chick in the photo, yeah? Even men want to look like her!

Never gonna happen. No matter how many times you click all over her face. Just be content to be you. No one else is you. That’s pretty cool.

The “…what ever happened to…blah blah blah….child stars you only vaguely remember…” tag gives your memory pride a kick. You remember these forgetable faces, right?

No doubt you’ll be with your chummy friends when you click this, and of course you’ll have to say “Oh yeah I remember her/him/thing…in that film…you know the one? With the people?”

You don’t care about the pictures or the person. This is memory Viagra clickbait. You’ll insist your memory is way better than your mates. Even when you can’t remember shit.

The sex/body shaming clickbait. These are the absolute worst. As if the world isn’t crammed full of imagery to make us feel insecure about pretty much everything, we now have to endure endless bits of “news” about how we’re shit at sex, our bodies, weight, looks, dress sense, and so on.

Check out the Life & Style page at Daily Star to see what I’m talking about. 99% is clickbait with one purpose – to make you feel ashamed.

It’s all bullshit. All of it.

For the sake of your sanity don’t click any of this shite. Go and do something that has purpose.

Enjoy the journey, the experience along the way to something achievable, instead of aiming for unrealistic media driven targets and then feel guilty for failing.

Sooner or later I hope clickbait FOMO shaming bollocks comes to an end. It’s not good for your karma, or soul, or whatever you think is inside you, other than black stuff, organs, food and turd balloon animals.

Now, go and do something worthwhile with your life or BB8 get’s it!

For a growing rant list, visit the Pet Peeves A-Z Challenge –

8 thoughts on “STOP! Don’t read any news until you know these 10 things!

  1. Dave, you’ve excelled yourself. IF there was a ‘Rant of the Year Award’ I’d nominate this. Brilliant! You are so right about click bait. Don’t even get me going on role models for kids. I had The MAgic Roundabout, Bill and BEn the flowerpotmen, and Blue PEter for TV progs… IT was called Children’s’ Hour TV. Now Kids TV is on tap 24/7 and it’s absolute drivel. we live in a plastic society full of plastic people and boobs and Botox and… and… penis extensions… can you get those or are they also click bait? Anywa… moving swiftly on…

    IT is the LOOK AT ME bling society we live in now that is soooo shallow.

    Genuine people like Mohamed Yussuf Dahir should be the ones in the limelight. They should be the role models for our kids.

    Ho hum.

    Enjoyed this post, Dave. Thank you!

    1. You can’t beat a good old rant about stuff! I know times change, and the world changes, and when I was a kid I’d look at “old” people and wonder if they were ever young like me, cos they sure do have some weird views that make no sense to me as a young cool, with it, kid who knows everything.

      But then I changed into that older person and now I do the same thing but in reverse. I look at youngsters and often think “Er…twat?” But then I stop myself and remember that the world is always changing and the older you get the more you seem to get trapped in a weird time warp bubble.

      However, all that aside, there will always be principles to uphold, being a morally and ethically well-centred individual, regardless of what era you’re living in. I don’t like this “millenialls” shit, like that word is an excuse to young people to act like selfish dicks because “hey, I’m a millenial so it’s all okay”

      There’s too much “I’m entitled to something for nothing” attitude, and the “I deserve to get what I want” shit going on. NOPE. You pack that shit in right now. I don’t care what the media tells you to do, I’m not buying it!

  2. I don’t click any of this shit and am having a holiday from social media (which may be a forever holiday), apart from automatic sharing of my blog posts and Goodreads updates, plus messaging my friends if I’ve anything meaningful to say. So your rant is my rant, Dave. Couldn’t agree more. As for fake bouncy boobs, what idiots those girls are. I’ve given up wearing my bra because it’s uncomfortable and I don’t care if I look even more flat-chested than before. I’m thrilled if hunky guys are more interested in admiring my dog than me! …And so, I could say a lot more, but it’s your rant and you’ve said it best.

    1. There’s always room for a sub-rant! I ditched Facebook from my phone because I spent too much time endlessly scrolling up and down the screen, dull vacant stare, watching utterly pointless clips of funny dogs/cats/rabbits/babies/ducks and so on, or any other shitty little clip we’ve all seen a gazillion times before but for some unknown fucking reason people keep on sharing them!

      Besides, I’m a fan of Pinterest because you don’t waste time looking at bullshit, but cut to what you want to see.

      1. I’ve also ditched FB from my phone. So has my daughter, who was totally addicted to it. My son looks at it about once every 3 months, just to see if any of his old uni friends have posted anything new. Mostly, they haven’t.
        I have a Pinterest account, but admit to not having got my head around it yet. Must check you out there, to see how you’re utilising it.

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