This has to happen. I have to write this here because I need room to express my views and you need to take time to read and digest what I’m about to say. Forget that it’s in the public domain and focus on the meaning and purpose of this letter.
What I need to say deserves, no, demands to be longer than a throw away text message, and right now I cannot bring myself to speak to you over the phone.
This is my platform where I speak my mind and to do otherwise goes against my nature.
I hope you’ll read this to the very end.
I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve tried to word this in my head since I heard the news. Trying to sleep, running the words over and over, and distracted throughout the day over your decision, so many questions without answers. Not that I expect answers, but your wife deserves them.
I won’t lie to you, my hands are shaking as I write this, and I promise you I won’t pull any punches here.
Firstly, I will say I think it took great courage to do what you did. I’m sure it wasn’t easy. And it’s not easy to tell you that either.
But on the other hand it’s easier to bow out than continue on and struggle through the dark times. And yes, before you say anything, there will always be counter arguments for everything I say, but such is life.
Counter arguments are not answers, not this time, they are a defence mechanism attempting to reinforce your reasons must be right and just. With so many uncertainties in life, how can you be so sure you’ve made the right one?
I have always held you in very high regard, least of all when it comes to your spiritual leanings. And though you may ponder your path in life, either via meditation or random thoughts that keep you awake at night, you are no different from anyone else in terms of doubt, insecurity, faith (or lack of it) and a whole host of emotional states human beings experience.
I can’t be alone when I say I expected more from you when faced with a challenge as brutal and difficult as this.
Two words keep resurfacing in my head that relate to you and your decision.
Selfishness and weakness.
And trust me when I say I would never have previously used those words in connection to you. I have always had the utmost respect for you, along with a great admiration for your attitude toward life and your values. It’s forgone conclusion that anyone who knows you would have said the same, if not more.
I have good reasons for choosing those words, and they are not used lightly.
Considering what I know about you, it seems completely against your nature to up and quit rather than face the problem and find a solution.
You may argue that it isn’t selfishness to abandon what you’ve created, but that it’s act of compassion or love to be honest and as such try to protect your family. Perhaps you arrived at the conclusion that you couldn’t live a lie and the best way forward was to be honest, whatever the consequences.
That aspect is commendable.
However, what you failed to do was speak up long before now. Sure, you may have hoped your doubts would clear over time, that it was nothing but a blip on the path of life. But that’s not a good enough reason to have remained silent for so long.
A union of two people deserves an honest and open dialogue at all times because by bottling things up the problem becomes greater and harder to tackle on your own.
It is wholly a selfish act to think of your happiness above that of your family.
That doesn’t mean you should sit in silence for decades, letting bitterness and resentment eat away at you. You didn’t even try to resolve the conflict within you. Thinking and meditation are not substitutes for talking things through, be that with your wife or through a counselling service for example.
It seems that rather than fight for all that you loved, and rather than face your doubts, you bowed out when things got a little bit difficult. Yes, that’s sarcasm. But it’s true nonetheless.
Yes, everyone strives to be happy, but at what cost is one person’s happiness over those you leave behind? Those whose lives will never be the same. Trust me. I know what it’s like. Your wife knows what it’s like. We shared the same experience when we were kids and neither of us would want such a life wrenching event to happen to anyone.
You can reason with yourself that you’ll make every effort to make your children’s lives special, and show you still love them. And there’s no doubting you’ll try to do as much as you can to prove that. But the simple fact is that you’ve changed the lives of your family, and those who know you, in ways you cannot comprehend.
From this point on you are an absentee father, no matter how hard you try to remain in their lives.
Any parent who abandons their children without a fight should live with guilt and shame forever.
I won’t go so far as to say you’ve damaged their lives. Sure, children are resilient, but there’s no way to know what effect this change will have on their lives. What you’ve done is placed a scar in their memory that will impact on every aspect of their lives until they die.
I know this for a fact.
That change in my life is still apparent today, some thirty years on.
Your wife has experienced heartache before and should not have to do so again.
Both me and my sister regard the meaning behind wedding vows as something more than a promise, a thing you say on a special day, or something you just feel at the time, but hey, when life changes you can disregard what you said way back then because you were a different person.
Removing God or religion from the picture, those words you spoke to each other conveyed more meaning to your wife than to you. Do not argue with me on this. The proof is in your decision.
Like me, my sister will never cease to truly believe in values such as love, loyalty, honour and friendship.
These were not words idly bandied about on a wedding day. Your wife believed in them, trusted them to guide her life alongside yours. For her, they cannot be changed or swapped for other values. They remain at the core of who she is.
Putting aside the issue of values and keeping silent when you should have shared your doubts, I question your behaviour right now.
Remember this: you’ve had months to come to terms with your feelings and your decision. Your wife has not.
From your point of view it makes sense to keep matters civil and business like when it comes to things like paying bills, organising child care, maintenance payments and so on. You cannot bring yourself to discuss the termination of your relationship with your wife because emotions are still high.
I know why you are keen to distance yourself from that relationship in order to prove there is no hope of reparation with your marriage.
By making it clear to her that it’s over you hope things won’t drag on, you hope she won’t ask endless questions.
I expected better of you. You can raise a barrier around your emotions to protect yourself. And if there are no feelings of love, then that barrier serves to isolate things like guilt, betrayal and dishonour. It is there to serve you, no one else. Your wife deserves more than what you’ve given her.
You of all people I expected to show compassion in such a situation. By acting in this cold-hearted manner, I believe you think you’re doing what’s right. You want to protect your wife and children from further hurt.
Do you honestly think sudden upheaval and change is the best way to achieve this?
Without trying anything and everything to save what you once held dear?
If so then I pity you.
Though you’ve struggled with your doubts for months, don’t you think your wife, your children and your life together to this point deserve more than this?
Why haven’t you even tried?
Why is this such an absolute for you?
Can’t you see the way in which you’ve conducted yourself is unjust, unsympathetic and wantonly uncaring to the one person you claimed to have once loved with your heart and soul?
Don’t you think she deserves more than a quick cut and shut end to what she knew was a solid foundation in life?
Don’t you think you owe it to her and your children to try? Even if it proves fruitless in the end?
The answer is yes.
My sister, your wife, has not had months to come to terms with this.
She deserves more from you. She deserves your time and attention, even if it’s hard for you. You have a chance right now to ensure you give her time and answers, even a chance at counselling, regardless of whether it works or not. How you conduct yourself now will play on your mind until the day you die.
Your relationship can be viewed as the death of a relative. You’ve known about the possible incurable disease for a long time, but she hasn’t. You feel you’re ready to move on, to be happy that you’re no longer living a lie. But can’t you see it from her perspective? She’s had no time to prepare for this, and the trauma is sudden and heart wrenching.
She deserves more than you’ve given her.
That brings me onto the issue of weakness.
A weak man will bow out without fighting for what he once believed in. A weak man will give up when times are hard. He is unable to see a potential future with his family because the struggle ahead seems an impossible task, one that might take more courage than he has.
You could argue that it’s not weakness, but courage that has helped you reach this devastating decision.
Some will be sympathetic to your reasons and tell you that you’ve made the right choice, that things will get better now, that you will be happy.
But it’s weakness not to try.
It’s weakness to give up.
It’s weakness not to give your wife the time and attention she deserves.
The problem with the words selfishness and weakness is that here they go hand in hand. You are not a weak man, George, so why act like one? Nor are you selfish, so why display that ugly side of human nature now when it has never been part of who you are?
You have the ability and means to show compassion, empathy, even love to those you leave behind.
Your family deserves this from you.
Can you really change your nature?
Sure, attitudes and ideals change throughout the course of life, but there are fundamental aspects of our personality that cannot be altered. I know you are still a good person, that you have good morals and ethics. But the manner in which you’ve dealt this sudden blow to your family is beyond contempt.
It is natural for anyone to wonder whether there’s someone else in your life. A secret someone. I want to believe this is not so. The prospect of such infidelity, however slight, fills me with rage beyond words. I truly hope this has not been the catalyst for your reasons to ruin lives.
And yes, they have been ruined.
Do not make the mistake of assuming that in time things will work out, that your relationship with your wife will eventually reach a stage where you can be friends, and that your children will be just fine. To assume any of this is the act of a selfish man thinking of number one.
You can hope, nothing wrong with that, but there’s no way to be sure. Which means that everything you say and do right now will shape the future of those you’ve cast aside, good or bad.
I’d like share something with you. Words you wrote not long ago.
In order for us to move forwards in life, we must encounter challenges.
Some are small and easy to overcome but others are more difficult, never-ending and often seem unachievable.
We are faced with difficult situations for a reason; to help us grow through experiencing new emotions or to push our physical boundaries.
It’s these challenges that are like trying to climb a mountain.
Never give up trying to climb your mountain no matter how tough the terrain or how steep the incline.
Believe that you will reach the top and achieve your goal. Keep positive. You will make it.
When you get to the top the view is breathtaking. The reward is a sense of achievement, success and relief.
You can overcome any challenge by taking small steps, onwards and upwards.
It’s okay to rest a while, contemplate or even change which path to take.
Keep facing forward and pushing on with a positive attitude.
There’s no mountain you cannot conquer. Be bold and courageous.
Climb your mountain. The world is your summit.
Do you know what the future holds?
Of course you do.
You can create the future you desire. All life’s experiences are meant to be.
All the challenges you encounter, good or bad, will always lead you to a person, a place or situation at exactly the right time where you are meant to be.
Every thought is an energy which manifests into an action.
Everything around you which already exists originated from a thought process to an action.
You need to believe in yourself, trust your inner desires and send out only positive thoughts about your life and your future.
Right now your thoughts are already carving the shape of your day, week or year ahead.
Yesterday has gone, learn from it. Today is for living, enjoy it. Tomorrow is your future, create it wisely
Based on these words you could argue that your decision is the right one, that you are indeed climbing a mountain of challenges, that you are shaping your future for the better, that all of life’s experiences are meant to be. Everything you wrote can be applied in a positive way to what you have done.
Whilst I might be biased, it now reads to me like the mantra of a selfish and weak man trying to protect himself at any cost because his happiness is more important than others.
They can also relate to your doubts being the mountain, your wife and children being the future you create, and that your struggle is to fight to hold on to what you have, not walk away from it. I would dip my head in respect if I saw you even attempt to fight, if I saw you devote time and show compassion to your wife.
You are not creating your future wisely. Just as it took time to develop your relationship, surely you can see the sense in at least making an attempt to preserve it?
The metaphors are ambiguous at best.
Love cannot be forced.
I get that. I truly do. I want you to talk to your wife because she deserves that much. You owe her your time. Think of it as a debt you must repay.
I want you to go to counselling. And even if things don’t work out, if there’s no way back, then I want everyone who knows you to remember that you tried your hardest to do the right thing.
After all you’ve created, why wouldn’t you try?
Thinking in silence for months isn’t the same as trying.
This letter hasn’t been easy to write, and it shouldn’t have been easy to read either. It’s not only about defending my sister, it’s about my deepest love for you all. I’ve struggled to keep anger out of it, though at times I’ve wanted to rant and rage against what you’ve done.
When all the arguments, reasons and arrangements have been made, remember that everyone will have to live with what has happened.
If you don’t try, if you don’t talk to your wife, and I mean really talk, not just toss out a few clichéd words of wisdom or cold-hearted business like blurb, then you will carry around a burden of guilt and shame until the day you die.
Just as you want to be happy, you must do the right thing otherwise those negative emotions will eat at you. No one on this planet can withstand that level of torment.
I don’t know how to end this without employing a cliché about morals.
George, please see that your wife deserves your time, even if you don’t want to give it. Go and see someone together. You may have come to terms with your choice, but she hasn’t, and with all my heart and soul I want you to consider her feelings as much as your own.
If I could sacrifice myself to repair the damage you’ve caused I would, gladly.
The pain in my chest cannot compare to that felt by your wife and children. But it’s not only about them. I wouldn’t have written this letter if I didn’t care for you too.
You both deserve more than the loss of a relationship because you kept your mouth shut.
I don’t want any of you to look back in many years and wonder what might have been.