Doomsday: Choose your Apocalypse!

Just in case you hadn’t heard, we’ve got five months left until the end of the world. According to crazy sign waving doomsday lovers we’re all going to the big jolly farm in the sky on December 21st 2012. Someone better tell old Santa to cancel Christmas and Jesus should probably put his second coming on hold for a bit.

Yes, dear blog reader, the end of the world is coming and all those years spent building a shelter in the wilderness and hoarding food won’t save you from the big splat that’s about to hit our happy planet. So you can wipe that know-it-all smug smirk off your face whenever the words apocalypse, survival or zombie are mentioned.

You can’t escape the big one.

But what exactly is the big one ?

Weeeeell, you know, it’s the end isn’t it? Doomsday and all that. You’ve seen the movies haven’t you? Like the one where the Americans save mankind by sending Bruce Willis to kick the asteroids butt, and the other one where the Americans build the big ships to save mankind (and John Cusack, sadly), and don’t forget when the Americans single-handedly destroyed an advanced alien civilisation by sending Will Smith and Jeff Goldblum to hack the mother-ship.

I reckon there’ll be a lot of pissed of people around the world when the big one hits us. Picture the scene – crowds of terrified people minutes away from the end of times, and someone starts asking questions.

Hey, that’s not how they told us it was going to happen!

I’m not hearing any light-hearted banter in the face of obliteration!

What happened to the epic speeches?

Why won’t the aliens let us hack their brains out?

Why isn’t the asteroid exploding into two neat halves in the nick of time?

I pay my taxes, where’s my ticket on the city sized ship?

Anyone know which App I need to pick up an alien signal from space?

No old told me tsunamis are that dirty and full of old crap. Aren’t they supposed to look like an awe-inspiring wall of crystal clear blue water?

Where’s my awesome background music?

And that’s the funny thing. How do we know which apocalypse is gearing up for the big day? Sorry to be the bearer of good news but we don’t. In fact plenty of doomsday fanatics will wake up on December 22nd and wince in shame at devoting years of their lives insisting the day before was the last one ever.

But what if they’re right?

Let’s humour the crazy people for a moment. Have pity on them. These morons (yes, morons, without a doubt) have been parading around the streets, growing beards, waving signs, ranting, raving and getting on everyone’s nerves for so long they look like comedy street theatre. Or cartoons.

Little side story here – years ago I was accosted outside McDonalds by a grinning idiot waving a book in my face. His breath was very stinky and his shoes didn’t match. He told me the world was coming to an end. Not from an asteroid or zombie plague but from an unknown enemy. Goats. He believed goats were plotting to take over the world and one day we’d all be living in pens, ready to be chopped up and fed to Goatkind.

I gave him a chicken nugget and swaggered away with my pals. Every now and then when I see a goat and that sly plotting expression, I wonder if the crazy guy outside McDonalds was really onto something.

When the world doesn’t end you know you’re going to miss them, well, maybe not the smell, or their shopping trolley’s filled with cans of food and old dog, or even the fact that they don’t speak any recognisable language, more a sort of garbled, insane babble with some squeaks and barks thrown in for good measure.

Actually I won’t miss them much at all.

But for their sake we’ll offer them a shred of decency and debate 3 popular apocalyptic scenarios.

I didn’t say anything about not mocking.

Figured that was implied.

#1 – The Big Asteroid Kerblammo!

This one is going to hurt. This won’t be an Owie, Ouchie or a Hurtie. This will be more along the lines of: “OHMYEFFINJESUS! I’VEWASTEDMYLIFE!” or perhaps, if you’re drunk enough to be blasé about the big one: “Hehe, gotta love Platinum Credit Cards maxed to the limit! Look who’s laughing now! Oh…”

This will be followed by nothing. No one will hear you say this. The screaming, loud and short-lived, will drown out any last words/sounds/squeaks/farts that tumble out of you in the final moments.

If you’re unlucky enough to be directly beneath the asteroid when it hits our little planet I suggest facing your maker with a glint of humour in your eye and take a leaf out of Wile E. Coyote’s book. Raise an amusingly small umbrella above your head and grin at the panic-stricken chap stood next to you. He’ll think you’re insane but you can comfort him by saying: “Relax. I’m hilarious.”

On the other side of the world you’ll probably have enough time to debate what to do with your last moments.

Strip naked and run through the streets?

Find a willing partner and bonk your way to oblivion?

Give in and let all the years of pent-up tears pour out?

Drink yourself into a stupor so you won’t feel the agonising pain of apocalyptic death?

Or how about taking something similar to the guy under the asteroid (and his inspired Wile E. Coyote move) and try to send the last text message ever? The “End is Nigh” club won’t have time for any “I told you so” smugness. Like you they’ll be so busy trying to figure what to do with their last few minutes they’ll run out of time. Splat.

#2 – The Mega-Quake Tsunami Super Eruption!

Not even a big city ship is going to save you when the landscape turns to jelly and the sea comes knocking on your front door. Unlike the asteroid event you may have plenty of time to tick off the top 10 on your Bucket List. According to the movies we’d have months or years for this big one to gather enough momentum and wipe humans away like icky germs on a kitchen table.

Earth Crust Displacement is not a widely accepted theory despite what Roland Emmerich tells you in his feel good romantic comedy, 2012. The theory relates to a shifting of the poles, not just magnetic which has happened before, but actual geographical movement of the land masses. That’s the stuff we call “the ground” and “the mountains” in case you thought geography was just something they teach in schools.

This doomsday scenario is probably much worse than the big asteroid of death.

You’ll know about it in advance, long enough to build up a nice reservoir of panic, sense of loss, failure, impotence (in more ways than one) and that itchy feeling that you can’t escape no matter how hard you try. And when the ground starts shaking and the entire ocean turns into a tsunami, you’ll still believe the best place to hide is under your kitchen table, or your duvet.

The best you can hope for is a spot on an airship. Not a plane. Plane’s run out of fuel too fast. In an airship you can cruise above the apocalypse, take photos, and allow yourself a moment of smugness. Not because you were clever enough to avoid the crunchy wet mess on the planet below, no, that would be cruel. Your smug smile will come from knowing those crazy sign waving doomsday idiots were so wrapped up in their own smug “I told you so” bullshit they never thought to procure a seat next to you on the air ship.

Naturally this miraculous escape is unlikely in the extreme.

If you’re stuck on the ground here are a few ideas to help you through the end of the world.

Build a raft out of household junk.

It won’t save you but it’ll keep busy and annoy the neighbours. Look at me. I know how to survive. Sorry, Clive, but there’s no room. Serves you right for breaking my lawn mower when you borrowed it last summer.

Climb a mountain/hill/slope.

Unless you’re an experienced climber this won’t save you. The best you can hope for is a good view when the wall of watery death and carnage crashes through the neighbourhood on its way to crush you and your pals.

Sing a song.

Nothing soothes the nerves more than a good sing-song. Gather your buddies together and light a fire. Don’t worry about the circle of rocks thing. The billions of tonnes of water will prevent any forest fire. Keep singing until the last moment. That way you won’t have much room for thought about how much it will hurt.

Learn to surf.

Now is a good a time as any. Don’t let the end of everything put you off your dream.

#3 – Alien Invasion by SUPERIOR Beings!

When the flying saucers appear in the sky don’t even bother hoping someone with a laptop will eventually hack the aliens a new one and destroy their entire fleet. The little green men have the ability to travel the dark and dangerous expanses of deep space. They have evolved, both physically and technically, way beyond mankind, and as such would have quality firewalls in place to prevent hackers.

Our attempts to fight them would be like trying to knock over an elephant with a pea shooter. We can try reasoning with them but ultimately they’re going to do pretty much whatever they like. We’re the equivalent of flies buzzing over a tasty slab of man burger sizzling on the barbecue of planet Earth.

As with the The Mega-Quake Tsunami Super Eruption, we’ll probably have some time to get used to the idea of annihilation before the laser beams start tearing up the local Kwik-E-Mart. But don’t be downhearted, you have a few choices on how to face our new alien overlords.

Rebel.

Grab a gun/spear/tin of beans/cow/rock/book and fire wildly into the air. The aliens are zooming about in their mini space ships so you might get lucky and knock one out of the sky. Celebrate your 1 victory against an army of millions with a keg of beer and a party. Remember that your small act of defiance has probably put you on their Top 10 Most Wanted list.

Negotiate.

If the President/Queen/King/Community Spokesman is hiding under their kitchen table the responsibility of opening up talks will be yours alone. Ignore the death rays and think of the alien scumbags as guests. And what do you offer guests in your home? A refreshing beverage? A slice of pie? When it comes to alien negotiations you’ll need to think bigger.

Offer them oil for fuel, half the women for alien/human hybrid experiments, the old (anyone over 70 will do) for food, and all the iPads they can carry. The negotiations will be swift. Either they’ll say thanks and vanish back into space or incinerate your body with a memorable death ray laser explosion.

Knuckle under.

Throw yourself on the mercy of your new green-skinned, bug-eyed boss. You have skills they need. You can work a telephone, order a pizza, fetch a glass of water, throw a stick for your dog Spot. Surely they need people like you, right? Sure, you’ll be a slave, but you’ll still be alive. Sort of. Under mind control and hooked up to some sort of strange machine that injects you with drugs that slowly adapts your DNA to suit your new home a zillion light years away.

Flee!

This is a tricky one. You’ll need someone dumb enough to rebel and lucky enough to succeed in bringing down an alien saucer. Drag the aliens into the street and give them a good kicking. Then learn how to fly their ship. This could be as easy as “clunk, click, away we go” but it may take years to figure out which button/lever/handle/brain probe is the gas pedal. However, once you’ve got the basics, round up as many people as you can and take to the skies. Seek out new worlds and strange civilisations, and boldly go where no man has bothered to go before.

Any final words?

These are all hypothetical and unrealistic plans. Alien invaders will probably unleash brutal pain the second they arrive. No one will be spared, not even the crazy sign waving doomsday lover. So when the probing begins be thankful that the doomsday prophet next to you in the alien lab is getting the medicine he deserves. Take it like a man you big sobbing baby.

The truth is that none of these doomsday events are likely to happen any time soon. The world isn’t going to end on December 21st. It’s more exciting to believe the Mayan calendar predicts doom and gloom because we’re conditioned to long for drama. I’ve said before that I prefer to think of the Mayan prophecy (if you can call it that) is one of change rather than a single apocalyptic event. Why does it have to be a bad change?

I’ll leave you with this final image and suggest that instead of waiting for your final moments before the big one hits to make changes in your life, why not do it now? Don’t leave things to the last-minute. And don’t leave things to chance.

Jump and touch the sky, dear blog reader, because you never know what you can achieve until you try.

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9 thoughts on “Doomsday: Choose your Apocalypse!

  1. Great theories there Dave! It’s amazing to see how many people out there really think the end is coming. I’m a skeptic. Until I see a zombie, a tidal wave, or a Noreaster come and kick my butt, I don’t believe it. Eventually, the end will come, just don’t believe in my lifetime…..unless the politics in the US keep going the way they are 😉

  2. What could be better than clearing the slate…All the slow dumpy clueless people will be Zombie fodder, and only the fit resourceful people will survive. Just think how good looking the planet will be when it’s all said and done. If you have ever watched the reality show SURVIVOR look how sexy they are after only 47 days on an island….BAM!

    • I haven’t watched Survivor for ages! Used to love that show. Well when the zombies do arrive we just need to make sure we’re faster than the slow dumpy clueless people! If you think of the planet as a living, breathing organism, like the mythological Gaia, I reckon it will be much happier if some of its pests (humans) were wiped off it. A nice clean slate, like when an elephant washes all the flies and muck off it in the river!

  3. Hey don’t you know. GM ANTS are taking over the world! Have you ever studied ants? Beware of the ants. OMG, I should make a placard warning people. The ants in Portugal are not like the ants in the UK, oh no…they are bigger and more intelligent. Bigger, yes, and when you stamp on them you can here a definite crunch under foot…yck! Worst still, are the zombie ants! But I’ll sign off now and leave you to ponder….

    • Oh man. Zombie ants. That’s the stuff of nightmares right there. Imagine stamping on a load of them only to find they come back to life and chase you around the house!

      Well I’ve got my nightmares sorted for the next few days. Marvellous.

      • Before moving to Portugal I insisted on only buying an English matrress for our bed. Portuguese matresses have loads of air holes in them and I was obsessed with the fact if we ever had an ant invasion, that’s where they would hide out! This is true…

        • Yeah but it’s not the zombie ants living in your mattress that should bother you. I’d be more concerned with the army outside your bedroom trying to bash down your door!

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