Someone has stolen my knees!

Today I had my first proper gym workout session. It was good fun. I had a great time. I can really feel the benefit. I’m looking forward to the next workout.

That’s what you call a steaming pile of BS!

It was hell. I kind of enjoyed it, mainly because my gym buddy and I spent a lot of time sniggering and laughing with each other. This was made all the funnier because other people seemed to be taking it all very seriously. Like being given a stern look from the librarian for thinking too loud.

I don’t understand what benefit can be had when my legs no longer work properly. I’m not sure my body will allow me to do another workout for at least 8 years. Some parts of my anatomy are seriously considering taking legal action against the unnecessary pain.

After the 1 to 1 session with the trainer we drew up a workout plan for 3 x 45 minutes sessions per week. My gym buddy and I thought that was reasonable, we can handle that, no sweat. Well, yes, sweat, but no problem-o! We were ready for the pain, bring it on!!

So, after the cross trainer (boring) I went on to the bike with the interactive TV screen on it. I did 10 minutes of various strengths, easy, hard, medium, (watched MTV) easy, hard, hard, (played Backgammon) hard, medium, hard, easy, hard…hmmm, those simulated hills felt more like mountains. The machines were lying to me.

I made it through without stopping and allowed myself a moment of silent triumph. It was tough but I got to the end. Maybe it wasn’t going to be so bad after all. But when I stepped off the machine it felt as if an invisible gym ninja had snuck in and stolen my leg muscles! It was like being drunk without the fun drinking and laughing part. When I cycle on my mountain bike I never have that problem, sore bottom maybe but never WLS – Wobbly Leg Syndrome.

The Wave machine was ace fun! It’s like skiing without skis, or snow, or majestic mountains to look at. After watching other fitness weirdo’s I came to the conclusion that it’s just there to make you look silly. I was a bit tired at this point and needed a drink. No water for me. I went straight for Powerade – Red Flavour!

No time to rest, the next machine was calling me…well, maybe a little rest…

NO! Must push on!

Quitters never win, right?

So I pressed on to the next machine, cycling with my hands! That was funny. Oh wait, no it wasn’t. It was plain silly. Then came the machine where it wanted to rip my legs out of my pelvis. This is where you push the weights by pulling or pushing your thighs apart in a rather obscene manner. It’s sole aim is to hurt you. I watched a teenage girl do it and thought hey, if she can do that it must be easy.

Being wrong sucks.

After 24 reps on 15kg setting my thighs wanted to grow hands and strangle me. Ignoring their pleas for a more sane approach to fitness (like lifting a beer from the table to my mouth) I moved on to the Abdonisor – after that my stomach wanted to join the rebellion! Stupid muscles!

Then came the shoulder-pushy-forward machine. The 15kg felt like I was pushing helium balloons so I changed it to 20kg. Better. I’ve got strong arms, they can take it. Not like those lazy thighs. Weaklings. My program told me I’d reached the finish line at 12 reps, there was even a chequered flag on the screen to make me feel as if I’d won something, but not really. I pushed on and did 15 to just feel something akin to righteousness. Sweatiness was my prize.

The back machine thingy was weird.

I sat and leaned forward, felt the weight of the bar on my shoulders and pushed back. Something was probably broken on that one because it felt quite nice, kinda relaxing. I didn’t dare ask the instructor if I was doing it wrong because I couldn’t handle my back asking the rest of my body to join the Anti-Fitness League.

The “warm down” was another cycling machine, only this time I sat on a comfy chair instead of a seat that wants to invade my colon. By the time I’d finished my thighs were trembling and I could barely walk! And people do this for fun!

I joined my gym buddy and wiped sweat off my face. We slotted our code keys into the machine and checked our progress. Work To Do equalled Work Done. Yay! We gathered our stuff from the locker and headed for the stairs. Now this is where things get weird. I’ve just worked out. Pushed my body hard, sweated, puffed, panted, drank like an insane fish and felt the burn pretty much everywhere.

Stairs shouldn’t be challenging should they?

I almost fell down them at the first step! My knees were gone! Someone had stolen my knees! I thought my leg joints were going to move in a most unnatural way and any second I’d end up at the bottom of the stairs in a heap of detached limbs.

What the hell was wrong with my knees! They were wobbling everywhere! I took it slow and made it the bottom. I’m sure I was walking like a virgin cowboy after his first cattle drive. People had to be staring at the strange and awkward way I was staggering through the lobby.

But they weren’t, thankfully. No one was interested. No fingers were pointed. No smirks to be seen. By the time we were outside my body was getting used to that thing called walking again.

I feel okay at the moment, although I have been sat writing this for about 40 minutes so I fully expect to fall flat on my face when I get out of the chair! My thighs will have gone on strike without warning, lazy thighs. The good news is that I’ll be back in the room of hell…I mean gym, in a couple of days time to do it all over again.

I’m fully prepared to wake up in the morning with only my eye lids able to move. The rest of my body will insist that I’ve gone insane and refuse to move without hurting me. Tough. You will get used to it. Hurt all you like but you’re going back there. You will get fit and you will eventually wear that t-shirt!

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20 thoughts on “Someone has stolen my knees!

  1. LMAO You seriously need to take BEFORE and AFTER pics, as well as, the IN BETWEEN pics! That way you know if you’re doing anything. πŸ™‚

    P.S. I hope you find your knees! πŸ˜‰

    • At the moment there are 2 me’s! The mind part that wants to do it and the body that is in full on denial! It’s going to be a battle of epic scale!

  2. Man, your gym sounds like it has all the bells and whistles! Not mine! LOL Well I’m glad the machines don’t talk to me here, or I’d have to shoot the things. I remember the 1st 2 weeks of working out for me. Yeowza!

    Hang in there! It does start to feel better, ya know? Yeah, you know! What a great sense of humor! Had me giggling almost from the start!

    • Thanks Chesshire! I already dislike the machines with their happy smiling faces and little animated bunny rabbits that chase the dot of my progress across the screen! When my mp3 player arrives I fully intend to ignore the screen as much as possible and let the music elevate me beyond the hurties, ouchies and owies!

    • I would think so! Well, unless you were doing some rigorous exercise whilst reading! And if you weren’t then I suggest a cold shower and a quick read of “Watching Paint Weekly” magazine! Tune in next week to see if my next workout leaves me with wobbly leg syndrome or QTS – Quivering Thigh Syndrome! Watch out though, it could be contagious!

  3. Excuse me while I pick myself up off the floor from laughing so hard that my jiggling is classified as exercise! What descriptions! I can relate to every single thing you wrote. And I am not sure I can make it from my computer to my bed (20 feet away) without wincing in pain at the thought of more exercise!
    Great visuals (in my mind)!

    • Hey there Word Whisperer and welcome to my blog! I was in one of those strange moods where you have to laugh because you can’t believe it’s so painful. The muscles have calmed down a little now,although I had to stifle a yelp yesterday when I lifted a bottle of milk out of the fridge! I was amazed at almost being defeated by a bottle of cow juice after lifting those weights. It’s not natural.

  4. Yip! You obviously did something right! πŸ˜€ Brave of you to go back. Well done! Wear that T-shirt with pride when you get there! Heaven knows you would have suffered joyfully for it πŸ˜‰ Doesn’t it just stink how easy some people make it look? …Masters of deception is what they are! πŸ˜€

    • I saw some folks floating around the gym, all lithe and perfect, no sweat, no worries, just perfectly honed bodies. The only way I can accept them is by imagining they were once big and cumbersome and have worked hard to get there!

    • My next workout is tomorrow, thankfully my muscles have eased off since the last one, but they have no idea of the hell I’m going to put them through! I like to think of them as a dog going to the vet for a check up, hey this place seems familiar, nice smiling guy with a needle….no no no no!!! Not this again!

    • Oh man, I think my first session was easy because I had all the weights on the wrong settings. Yesterday I put them where they should be and it’s official, my muscles hate me. I’m all tender in very weird places!

  5. Oh! Oh! I learned a secret the other day that helps my muscles heal super fast: take a COLD shower right afterwards, then do a light workout the next day. I do this after a long run. No soreness the day after. You can google Ice Baths + Running to find out the scientific explanation.

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