That’s what you call a steaming pile of BS!
It was hell. I kind of enjoyed it, mainly because my gym buddy and I spent a lot of time sniggering and laughing with each other. This was made all the funnier because other people seemed to be taking it all very seriously. Like being given a stern look from the librarian for thinking too loud.
I don’t understand what benefit can be had when my legs no longer work properly. I’m not sure my body will allow me to do another workout for at least 8 years. Some parts of my anatomy are seriously considering taking legal action against the unnecessary pain.
After the 1 to 1 session with the trainer we drew up a workout plan for 3 x 45 minutes sessions per week. My gym buddy and I thought that was reasonable, we can handle that, no sweat. Well, yes, sweat, but no problem-o! We were ready for the pain, bring it on!!
So, after the cross trainer (boring) I went on to the bike with the interactive TV screen on it. I did 10 minutes of various strengths, easy, hard, medium, (watched MTV) easy, hard, hard, (played Backgammon) hard, medium, hard, easy, hard…hmmm, those simulated hills felt more like mountains. The machines were lying to me.
I made it through without stopping and allowed myself a moment of silent triumph. It was tough but I got to the end. Maybe it wasn’t going to be so bad after all. But when I stepped off the machine it felt as if an invisible gym ninja had snuck in and stolen my leg muscles! It was like being drunk without the fun drinking and laughing part. When I cycle on my mountain bike I never have that problem, sore bottom maybe but never WLS – Wobbly Leg Syndrome.
The Wave machine was ace fun! It’s like skiing without skis, or snow, or majestic mountains to look at. After watching other fitness weirdo’s I came to the conclusion that it’s just there to make you look silly. I was a bit tired at this point and needed a drink. No water for me. I went straight for Powerade – Red Flavour!
No time to rest, the next machine was calling me…well, maybe a little rest…
NO! Must push on!
Quitters never win, right?
So I pressed on to the next machine, cycling with my hands! That was funny. Oh wait, no it wasn’t. It was plain silly. Then came the machine where it wanted to rip my legs out of my pelvis. This is where you push the weights by pulling or pushing your thighs apart in a rather obscene manner. It’s sole aim is to hurt you. I watched a teenage girl do it and thought hey, if she can do that it must be easy.
Being wrong sucks.
After 24 reps on 15kg setting my thighs wanted to grow hands and strangle me. Ignoring their pleas for a more sane approach to fitness (like lifting a beer from the table to my mouth) I moved on to the Abdonisor – after that my stomach wanted to join the rebellion! Stupid muscles!
Then came the shoulder-pushy-forward machine. The 15kg felt like I was pushing helium balloons so I changed it to 20kg. Better. I’ve got strong arms, they can take it. Not like those lazy thighs. Weaklings. My program told me I’d reached the finish line at 12 reps, there was even a chequered flag on the screen to make me feel as if I’d won something, but not really. I pushed on and did 15 to just feel something akin to righteousness. Sweatiness was my prize.
The back machine thingy was weird.
I sat and leaned forward, felt the weight of the bar on my shoulders and pushed back. Something was probably broken on that one because it felt quite nice, kinda relaxing. I didn’t dare ask the instructor if I was doing it wrong because I couldn’t handle my back asking the rest of my body to join the Anti-Fitness League.
The “warm down” was another cycling machine, only this time I sat on a comfy chair instead of a seat that wants to invade my colon. By the time I’d finished my thighs were trembling and I could barely walk! And people do this for fun!
I joined my gym buddy and wiped sweat off my face. We slotted our code keys into the machine and checked our progress. Work To Do equalled Work Done. Yay! We gathered our stuff from the locker and headed for the stairs. Now this is where things get weird. I’ve just worked out. Pushed my body hard, sweated, puffed, panted, drank like an insane fish and felt the burn pretty much everywhere.
Stairs shouldn’t be challenging should they?
I almost fell down them at the first step! My knees were gone! Someone had stolen my knees! I thought my leg joints were going to move in a most unnatural way and any second I’d end up at the bottom of the stairs in a heap of detached limbs.
What the hell was wrong with my knees! They were wobbling everywhere! I took it slow and made it the bottom. I’m sure I was walking like a virgin cowboy after his first cattle drive. People had to be staring at the strange and awkward way I was staggering through the lobby.
But they weren’t, thankfully. No one was interested. No fingers were pointed. No smirks to be seen. By the time we were outside my body was getting used to that thing called walking again.
I feel okay at the moment, although I have been sat writing this for about 40 minutes so I fully expect to fall flat on my face when I get out of the chair! My thighs will have gone on strike without warning, lazy thighs. The good news is that I’ll be back in the room of hell…I mean gym, in a couple of days time to do it all over again.
I’m fully prepared to wake up in the morning with only my eye lids able to move. The rest of my body will insist that I’ve gone insane and refuse to move without hurting me. Tough. You will get used to it. Hurt all you like but you’re going back there. You will get fit and you will eventually wear that t-shirt!