Dear Humans…

statlerandwaldorf

Dear Human beings,

I’ve decided to start the new year with a complaint. Whilst I don’t consider myself to be perfect, I feel I am nowhere near the same level as some of you on the Moron Scale. That statement does not stem from arrogance, it is simply a fact.

I am neither a young pup – brash, brazen, wide-eyed and full of whimsical heady ideas of what life has in store, nor am I an ancient, wrinkled old codger with but a thimble of sand left in my timer.

And as a morally balanced, reasonably intelligent and erudite member of this race I am unable to hold my tongue on the little things you do every day that drive me bat-shit crazy.

Complaint One

Drivers that don’t or won’t use their indicator.

turnsignalmoron

Let’s start with the don’t.

You, fellow human, are an imbecile. Pure and simple. You should not be allowed to dress yourself, let alone hold a driver’s license. How you manage not to get caught by the police is a mystery, yet you constantly resist the basic principles of operating what could be described as a killing machine.

Now onto the won’t.

You fall into the Utter Moron category in the Idiot Scale. There’s a stick on your steering wheel that, when utilised correctly, can assist other motorists in their driving. They can slow down for example, if they know you’re about to make a turn, instead of having to brake sharply.

Is there something wrong with your brain that you think rules don’t apply to you? If unsure I suggest you get your brain looked at.

turnsignalmeme

Maybe you think you have telepathic abilities which, like WiFi, reach out to nearby motorists, alerting them of your intention to break suddenly and veer off the road in a haphazard manner?

Or perhaps you feel indicating isn’t “macho” and your “mates” get a good LOL when the car behind you veers/breaks/crashes/explodes/kills innocent pedestrian because of your wanton, stupid acts?

Human None Indicator Using Morons:

Please sort that shit out because, hey, you never know, someone might live because you used that stick!

Complaint Two

Grown ups without a basic grasp of their own language.

badspelling

LOLspeak used to be hilarious, right?

Like those vaguely funny images of a cute cat looking puzzled at the camera, after its owner has crammed the memory on their phone with 10,000 images, just to get just the right one so they can meme the shit out of it with funny quotes like “I CAN HAZ CHEEZEBURGER?”

Yes, yes, it was funny at the time.

The problem is that the internet was supposed to liberate, educate, communicate ideas, bring people together and everything in between. Sadly entire generations are now growing up with the understanding that a teacher of English is a hazy sort of reality at best, and certainly not to be taken seriously.

Why can’t humans grasp the simple concept – there’s a difference between the garbage they chuck around online and that used in the real world? Sure, use YOR on Facebook if you like, but please learn when to use “you’re” and “your” before filling in a job application!

badspellingmeme

(Yes, I’m aware the image above has “isnt” without the apostrophe. Think of it as ironic, okay?)

You don’t use “gonna” in the real world. It isn’t “yh” for “yeah” (and even that makes me cringe when used outside of dialogue) and just because you exclude the letter “G” from words when you speak doesn’t grant you the right to ban them from the Written Word Party.

Humans, we live in a rich and diverse world where everything evolves, but please make sure that by the time you’ve left the education system you know which version of your language to use at the right time.

If you’re a mechanic and applying for a job, the phrase “mekkin the tee an that” as a bullet point highlight of your duties in your previous job should never be used.

Pacific.

And while I’m on the subject of words, one more thing that really grinds my gears is bad pronunciation. You meant to say “specific” didn’t you? Not “pacific” because that’s an ocean. Or using “expresso” when the correct word is “espresso” for a type of coffee.

That could be become a very long list.

  • Fool instead of Fuel.
  • Noo instead of New.
  • Innit instead of isn’t it.
  • Aks instead of Ask – this one makes me feel sick.
  • Card Shark instead of Card Sharp – don’t know why but that really bothers me.
  • Chester Draws instead of Chest of Draws.
  • Samdwidge instead of Sandwich – and there’s no H in it either!

Acyrologia

I came across this interesting image after I’d published this post. It perfectly captures my feelings on this subject.

acyrologia

Human Bad Grammar/Spelling Morons:

There’s no excuse. You are a grown up human. Act like it. And don’t grin at how “you got away with it again” because people will think you’re a moron.

They will talk about you, but right now you won’t care.

Years later, when your bad spelling habits are ingrained into your tiny brain so you no longer know there’s a difference, your life will have been a meaningless grey blur of closed doors, lonely nights in your squalid hovel, picking at scabs and wondering why all your “skool m8’s” became successful and not you.

And before you know it the skinny guy in the robes will come calling and with a snicker-snack you’ll be dust. All because you didn’t bother to understand spelling and grammar are important.

Complaint Three

Inspirational memes on your blog/Facebook/Twitter etc.

sicklymeme

I know you want others to think you’re deep, sensitive, thoughtful, wise and all that bullshit, but please remember the rest of the human race aren’t stupid. When I see endless streams of these sickeningly cute or overly dramatic images splashed all over your social stream I want to reach into the screen and slap that look of righteous self-satisfaction off your smug face.

Sure, it’s nice to share a heart-felt message now and then, but are you seriously expecting the rest of your followers to accept you are permanently fixated on the good of man? And that your only goal in life is to educate the rest of the morons around you by cramming these pathetic images down their throats?

inspirational_memes_to_get_you_more_motivated_for_life_640_09

I saved the image above of Anthony Hopkins, without changing it. Its file name title is “inspirational_memes_to_get_you_more_motivated_for_life_640_09.jpg” which makes me want to puke.

What has happened to the world where so many have this burning desire to “inspire” and “motivate” others for this huge challenge called “life”?

I’m not knocking any of these things. It’s good to be motivated to do more, to do better, to help one another.

But I think whoever keeps creating this pithy little images are so far up their own arses they can lick the snot from the back of their throat.

Give it a rest, please!

You may well motivate me with a single image, but I can only handle seeing so many before the message is not only lost but causes anger and intolerance to that message.

Inspirational meme sharing moron:

You are a sheep.

Not a real sheep that provides wool, food and milk – one that actually serves a purpose.

You are the worst kind of sheep, one that blindly jumps on any bandwagon going to keep up with everyone else.

When Nelson Mandela died I saw young people on Facebook sharing memes with his quotes with status updates like: “a grate man, wil b sadly missd” and yes, the spelling mistakes are intentional to highlight Complaint Two.

I’m almost certain many of these people have no real clue who Nelson Mandela was, what he stood for or his history. They wanted to be in with current trending topics. Nothing more. And to me that reduced their message of sorrow to meaningless jibba-jibba.

Other Complaints…

I could go on as right now my list has things like:

Old male celebrities in the news who claim they didn’t mess around with young kids years ago.

They wear this mask of innocence and question why it took decades for these people to come forward and make their complaint. Yeah, yeah, yeah, innocent until proven guilty, but hey, you look guilty. Sorry. But you do.

I guess some people may be making all that shit up, but do you seriously think they want their 5 minutes of fame to be related around how they were assaulted by you as teenagers or younger? Not only that but how can all of them be wrong?

Electric cars

Just get on with it! Flood the market with these wonderful things so we can stop the oil companies from holding a noose around the necks of everyone on the planet.

And yes, I do understand the social, political and financial implications that surround our dependency on oil. Problem is that humans will have to face the fact that sooner or later oil will dry up. So why not deal with that now and make the transition smoother instead of a sudden messy jolt when it’s all gone?

People complaining about severe weather.

Yeah it’s a bitch and I sympathise with anyone whose home/business has been flooded or lost through severe weather.

My problem is that these people, when interviewed for the news, have a need to place blame somewhere. They expect someone to stand up and say “Sorry about that, my fault, the weather kinda got away from us there, won’t happen again.”

People, it’s weather. If you want to live on planet Earth, expect weather.

Links on social media to shit.

“This will blow your mind” or “OMFG you won’t believe this!!”

No. A cat doing something slightly weird won’t blow my mind. And yes I will believe it, if it wasn’t fake like everything else, or if I hadn’t already seen the same shit a hundred times before.

Stupid offers in the supermarket.

I want a bottle of Coca-Cola, which is £1.99 for one. But the offer is 3 for £3.

But I don’t want three. I want one.

I really hate this even if the offer is supposed to save me money. And if I only have £2 in my pocket I leave the shop feeling bad that the supermarket tried to force (or co-coerce) me into spending more than I wanted or could afford at the time.

Twerking

Justin Beiber

The Karcrapians

Personal Injury TV adverts

Quick PayDay Load adverts

Ebooks with bad formatting

I have to stop before my brain explodes!

Okay. I’m done. That’s my rant over.

Blog therapy can work wonders. I assure you I’m not an angry person but every so often I need to get that stuff out of my noggin. I’ll be back to my usual chirpy self with my next post. I’ll leave you with a question, dear blog reader:

What grinds your gears?

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15 thoughts on “Dear Humans…

    • Complaint 1 made it to the top because of a particularly bad set of drivers I came across one morning on the way to work. Otherwise No 2 has been smouldering away for a long time!

    • Not sure if I should say “You should thank yourself lucky” or whether I should be content with our relatively calm weather in the UK, where we do get extremes from winter to summer but compared to the rest of the world, it’s small beans really.

  1. That made me laugh! But can drivers please indicate especially on roundabouts and if you do not know how then learn. As for spelling ‘b hm sn’ was supposed to be for quick text messages not for writing anything else.

  2. I agree with all your rants. Your piece on blinkers/turn signals was weakened, though, imo, by your use of “break” for “brake.”

  3. I hope my comment wasn’t weakened by my use of “imo,” but maybe it was. I’ve embraced that little acronym for e-mails and comments.

  4. Oh Good Lord!! I just found you and am wondering how you have managed to capture my every thought and put it in written form. I have met my soul mate! Keep them coming my “brother from another mother” *snark!*

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