Run for your lives! The end of the world is coming! Take shelter! Protect the fire! Kill the strangers! Loot till you drop! We’re doomed! Aliens ate my baby! Zombies are running amok! Giant ants are eating my brains! Mother Nature is fighting back! Death has got his groove on! The Four Horsemen look pissed! Save me Jebus!
“It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine!”
Any of those sound familiar?
If not then you clearly haven’t watched enough apocalyptic movies and should be ashamed. If you were nodding along then you at least are partway prepared for the end of everything. I believe in the old saying “forearmed is forewarned” or at least the Scout motto: “be prepared, idiot.”
And in light of the obvious impending apocalypse, I decided it was time to educate all the dumb shits in Living in Ignorance Land on how to survive the end of everything.
I’ll keep things simple so no one gets confused.
Rough Guide to Surviving The End
Prepare to be Prepared.
Way before rumours of an apocalypse begin to trickle through the neighbourhood you should understand that the shit will indeed hit the planet, and you must be prepared.
This means knowing when to stock up on supplies in a futile effort to prolong your miserable survival before you eventually succumb to whatever disgusting ailment is ravaging the globe.
You are required to plan where to source your supplies, and when to make that nonchalant shopping trip.
Get involved with your local community. Enrol on a bunch of classes, such as Gardening, Hand to Hand Combat (Practical skills any idiot can learn), Plumbing for Idiots, Cooking for Idiots, Apocalypse Survival Tips for Idiots, and the always popular How Not To Be An Idiot.
Follow the Rules
You need a list. When the Big End comes you don’t want to starve do you? You won’t find much nourishment by rooting around inside your nostrils for food. And drinking your own pee is best left to Bear Grylls. You’ll need rules.
# 1 – Avoid other people.
Establish a base camp away from populated areas. People are loud, noisy, and in stressful times they’ll have no problem stealing your food/wife/water/weapons/clothes etc.
# 2 – Have an escape plan.
Your camp may become overrun, so you need a back-up. A safe haven to slip away to. This must be known by no more than 3 people for sake of security. Ensure your safe haven is well stocked, hidden and fortified as much as possible. No cardboard boxes.
# 3 – Fresh water – not so fresh.
On your initial supply run make sure you buy plenty of bottled water with a long shelf life. And get water purification tablets. Don’t drink water from puddles. After society collapses the remaining lower classes will have been shitting and dying in rivers, lakes, streams and puddles.
They’re dirty, disease-ridden pools of death, and the water will be dirty too.
# 4 – People do NOT taste nice.
Don’t even consider cannibalism as a healthy alternative lifestyle choice. Human beings are not fat-free, disease free or even that tasty. Not even when roasted with good seasoning and gravy. This won’t impress anyone. Now is not the time to have a WKD side.
# 5 – Guns are good.
Get guns. Lots of guns. The only people who insist guns are bad are those who don’t have any. The first to die will include the peace-loving, tree-hugging, vegan streaks of piss who possess no will to survive by any means possible. Why risk dying in pointless hand to hand combat when you can shoot them in the face and get on with your life?
# 6 – Dump the fatso!
If you’re a fatty you need to shift that flab before the Big End comes. If you’re in a group with a fatty then remember this simple rule: you don’t need to be faster than the enemy, only faster than the fatty.
# 7 – Supplies, supplies, supplies.
Your money will be useless when the big end comes. Turn it into supplies before things go tits up. Stock up on items like dry dog food, batteries, socks and develop a varied library of vegetable seeds. You can use some of these items to barter for things later on. You’ll be surprised what some people will hand over in exchange for a fresh pair of socks.
Pick your Team
When people are running around screaming and fighting over how idiotic they’ve been, you need to make sure that your group consists of the right stuff. Think rationally. A group of accountants, shelf-stackers and hairdressers probably won’t last long. Trim the fat.
Key roles will include electrician, doctor, gardening expert, butcher, carpenter, survival expert, martial arts teacher, cook. You get the picture? Nigel the hair technician and Wendy the part-time deli-counter lady won’t be of much help when vicious hordes of evil bastards are trying to kick in your door.
Apocalypse = no idiots allowed.
Ensure your team has an equal ratio of non-related men and women. After the apocalypse, the subject of the next generation will need to be addressed and a DNA stockpile is a more attractive thought compared to the idea of having to boff a family member.
A plentiful stock of contraception is a good idea for practising happy-naked-bouncy-fun-time and you don’t want unplanned babies popping out. Men and women need to be balanced in all areas of your new world order, or compound, depending on how your sane/insane point of view after the madness has calmed down.
Do you want your compound to look like this:
It’s your choice. Don’t be an idiot.
Zombie Survival Guide
Bet you never thought it would happen, right? Flesh eating idiots munching on people – that’s just fictional folly! Think again!
The zombies are coming. Get over it. This guide can help you survive the night (and rest of your life) of the living dead.
The Zombie’s are coming!!
It finally happened. After watching zombie movies for years the fantasy has become a reality. The world has turned to a nightmarish hell-hole where the dead feed off the living and Shrek 6 will never be made. Actually, that part isn’t so bad.
Other guides and books may cover a wider range of topics, but this short tasty effort will put you in good shape to survive the onslaught of flesh-eating dead heads.
Zombie Spotting – Understand zombie types.
The Sprinter Zombie.
Not necessarily undead.
Most likely to be infected with some new plague or man-made virus that renders the victim pretty zombie-like but they continue to process oxygen. This gives the Sprinter Zombie excellent reaction times and the ability to sprint over long distances without fatigue.
Apart from the difference in physical power, these chaps are just as dumb as your standard zombie; low reasoning ability, unable to muster any sound beyond a moan or scream and don’t feel pain.
Kill or Evade?
Faced with only a couple of these mothers, and with suitable weapons, you stand an okay chance of survival, more so if you can surprise and dispose of them before they start screaming and alerting others nearby.
If you’re spotted and chased by more than a handful then your only chance is to run, really, really fast. But not in a straight line because that’s just suicidal stupidity. Run around things, make the Sprinter Zombie work for its meal.
They will always have the upper hand physically but if you dash around a few buildings and the like, and manage to hide without making any sound, the pursuing Sprinter Zombie will not understand where you’ve gone.
The Slumbering Zombie.
Same IQ as cheese but they never quit.
The Slumbering Zombie has little concept of…well, pretty much anything, aside from food – you. When they spot food they emit a low moan. They can be very smelly.
Kill or Evade?
The choice is yours so long as you remain at arm’s length. Slumbering Zombies are easily avoided by walking briskly. They’re easy to kill close up with any melee weapon. Make a run for it before a horde masses and they get all riled up.
If your compound has access to long range weapons then use a spotter/shooter to take out an approaching zombie. They might be slow but they keep coming. Kill them fast and silent. You don’t want that horde gathering at your compound walls.
The Crawling Zombie.
Silent and deadly. These evil shits crawl along the ground through the crowds or from behind rubbish. Since you’re preoccupied with chopping off heads your attention is seldom on what’s hanging about on the floor.
It hasn’t been established why the Crawler Zombie makes less sound than an upright zombie but theories suggest it has something to do with a warped sense of revenge. Zombies are mindless slugs of flesh. However, even the most moronic zombie will seek revenge if you destroy its legs, thus forcing it to crawl around in the muck. Ground to Sky – keep an ey
Zombie Combat – Surviving the Horde.
The Shopping Mall.
- Easy to defend from Slumbering Zombies providing all access is locked and extra barricades are in place.
- Malls have shops. Lots of resources for your gang to use. Plenty of room should lower the feeling of claustrophobia that can surface in even the most unlikely people after a long period trapped in one place.
- Line of sight. Plenty of rooftop positions for lookouts, snipers, CCTV positions etc.
- Escape routes. Malls are designed with easy access in mind. Should zombies break inside you will have plenty of alternative exits already planned and practised
- Population control. Shopping malls are capable of holding lots of people. However, should this become too many your mini-society will start to fight over ever diminishing supplies. arguments, fights and civil-mall-war are a worry and can distract from the real problem – zombies.
- Maintain order. You need rules and government even in a mall. Your population need a law enforcement team made of trustworthy people. The compound needs to know the rules are there for safety and any uprising will be met with punishment – throw troublemakers over the wall to the zombies.
- One zombie too many. All you need is one zombie moaning to attract others. Whilst your mall may appear to be the perfect stronghold you will need to keep an eye on the ever growing zombie crowd. Too many and their sheer weight/number will push past your defences.
- Surrounded. If you are surrounded it can be difficult or impossible to leave on foraging trips or to allow newcomers an easy way inside. This can also reduce the ease of any escape plan if you have to fight your way out
On The Run
All aboard the zombie bus!
This method of surviving is appealing after your compound has been overrun by flesh eaters. You can up and leave at a moments notice and carry your supplies with you. Cars and vans are ok but they’re not very secure.
Think Winnebago or large camper truck, school bus or coach are ideal and can be easily fortified and defended. The only problem is the capacity for people and finding an ever dwindling supply of fuel.
Here’s a risky fourth wall infographic to feast your eyes on.
- Maintain spotters / snipers at all 4 compass points. Work in shifts, everyone takes a turn. Where possible zombies should be picked off as soon as spotted but only when a kill shot can be taken and not wasting ammunition.
- Screen new arrivals vigorously. You don’t want infected in your compound. Have a safe room where they can be quarantined and given medical checks.
- Run training exercises. Make sure everyone knows how to take out a zombie at close range. Run scenarios and how to work in a group.
- Practice evacuation procedures regularly. Quiz everyone so they know what to do in emergencies. Have multiple contingency plans and practice those also.
- Regroup points. You all need to know where to regroup should you need to evacuate. Always have a 2nd base to head for when (not if) your compound is royally screwed.
- Say no to solo. Never travel alone, even inside the compound. A team should consist of exactly 3 people – if one is injured the other 2 can carry them. If 2 are injured they can provide spotting, sniping, communication skills for the 3rd. If 3 becomes 2 (the Buddy System) then you never split up.
- No need to be silent. But watch your volume levels. No loud music, shouting etc.
- Skill up. Find out who knows stuff and get them to train others. Never have a group where each person only has 1 skill.
- Speed versus Intelligence. Be smart or be fast, or dead if you’re neither.
- Remain vigilant. Don’t get et.
- Ground to Sky. Keep an eye.
- Don’t just hack head from body. Take pride in your work, destroy the brain.
- Naivety can get you killed. Heads off and there won’t be any surprises.